I’ve gone through it several times but this time is different. I’m not in inpatient treatment. I have never succeeded at weight restoration outside of treatment. It’s safe gaining weight in treatment, you have support 24/7 and your stressors are few an far between. Weight gain, out here, in your life, it’s scary. At least this is how I feel.
Re-feeding belly. Night sweats. Exchange counting. These are things I’m used to. The people around me are not. I stare at my body in the mirror and it’s difficult not to just give up. I ask myself questions “Is it really worth it?”, “Am I really willing to suffer this discomfort?”, “Do I just want to be sick again?” I have to combat these thoughts several times a day.
While everyone around you talks about exercising, losing weight and going on diets, you have to do the opposite. Gaining weight can be hard to swallow for someone without an eating disorder, however, it feels almost impossible to do so for me.
There’s a part of me that wants to look healthier, be able to exercise when I want and look like a “woman.” Then there’s the other part, the part that wishes I could just stay sick because it’s “safer.” A part of me that wants a size 0 to be too big. A part of my that likes the feeling of an empty stomach. A part of me that feels “powerful” to refuse eat at a restaurant when everyone else around me “gives in.” I have to continue to remind myself that this part of me is the same part of me that wants me to die. It’s the same part of me that wants me to live in and out of treatment for the rest of my life. It’s the same part of me that left me isolated with strained relationships. I have to fight it.
So, yes I’m in a positive place, but I have thoughts daily that are hard to shake. Every outfit I put on that doesn’t include a t-shirt is something I am uncomfortable in. Every bite I eat at a restaurant is something I have to remind myself to enjoy and not count every calorie. Every time I put myself out there to go do something with friends, I probably would rather be isolated in my room. However, I do it anyway because I know that these things will lead me to the life I’ve always wanted. A future that includes my dreams. It may be hard initially, but one day I will wake up and realize how far I’ve come. In that moment I will be at peace with the decision I make several times a day to pick up the fork.